I am so mad!!!!! I went from elated, to pissed, to even more pissed. I swear, if this next email comes back how I think it will, I may be flying to Vancouver to have an argument with someone. I can't even find a phone number to call to talk to an actual person! Backing up, here is the story.
So, I finally got an acceptance for an interview to medical school!!! Yippee!!! Except... I did acknowledge in my application that I am currently a grad student. Which is true. Apparently, in this case, in terms of acceptance and the interview, you have to fill out a grad progress report. This report gives you three options to choose from: a) My program (thesis, defence, exam, whatever, will be completed by June 30th, 2010) b) I am already completed my masters, I will send a transcript and c) I will not be done by June 30, 2010 and wish to WITHDRAW MY APPLICATION. WTF???? I won't be done, but there is no way I want to withdraw!!!!! Frick, how about I withdraw from the masters? What was supposed to be a good idea and a back up is quickly turning into my biggest nightmare.
All I want to do is cry, because I don't see a way around this. If I don't submit that section, I get my interview rescinded. The only section I am able to complete is the one that says "withdraw application". But I don't understand.... it's not as if I couldn't quit the program. Medicine is my dream, this was a strange backup. How logical is it that my "smart move" is turning into the obstacle now standing in my way? Was I supposed to not go back to school and pin my hopes on this illusive dream? And even if I drop the masters, what if I don't get into medical school? Again, pinning hopes. Why is this process so retarded?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's... "
Well, I don't covet things. I have realized I covet "feelings". I covet experiences. How sad is that? Perhaps this comes from a sensation of loneliness, what with this feeling of isolation I feel in this program to an extend (I know, isolation in a counseling program who would have thunk it?). What do I mean by isolation? Well, I figured this program would be a little more exclusive than the Education program, and it is. But let me explain. Many of the people are part time, others have children/families/jobs. There are only about 4 of us who do not have either of these. And I am not sure that they are people I can form lasting friendships with. My close friends from the Education program are no longer in PG. And due to night classes I don't see my skaters as much either. So, I guess that leaves me sitting, thinking about others experiences, in terms of having someone to share just everyday things with. Just those thoughts that go through your head, good and bad. Anecdotal stories about this and that. Someone to give you a hug when you are upset or mad. Someone to laugh with. Someone to plan with.
I am jealous of those people who are teaching classes, because I want to be there. I am jealous of those people who can make plans for their future, secure in the knowledge that they have someone who will be there with them when they make them. I am jealous of the support they probably receive, and having someone to reassure you.
A friend today, and we were discussing happiness.To me, happiness is really not a simple thing. But I know it;s not about money, or prestige, or degrees. It's about contentment, joy, fulfillment, challenge, courage, love and laughter. How does one get here? Well, apparently I really have no idea. If I had to picture a scene where I was perfectly happy, it would probably be: "a fall Sunday afternoon, surrounded by family. I can picture bundles of leaves, a game of baseball or foxtail, with a huge family dinner." It sounds reminiscent of Thanksgiving, only in the picture I see children. I realize that to me happiness and contentment mean family. And if there is anyone farther away from this, it is probably me.
I am not saying that I want these things right away. But, and I have said it before, I don't see this as being a reality for me. The choices I make seem to take me farther from this reality. And I don't really know how to re-route myself to put myself in a place to acquire this "image". It is not a simple thing, and from where I sit it doesn't seem very plausible. So, instead, I covet.
I am jealous of those people who are teaching classes, because I want to be there. I am jealous of those people who can make plans for their future, secure in the knowledge that they have someone who will be there with them when they make them. I am jealous of the support they probably receive, and having someone to reassure you.
A friend today, and we were discussing happiness.To me, happiness is really not a simple thing. But I know it;s not about money, or prestige, or degrees. It's about contentment, joy, fulfillment, challenge, courage, love and laughter. How does one get here? Well, apparently I really have no idea. If I had to picture a scene where I was perfectly happy, it would probably be: "a fall Sunday afternoon, surrounded by family. I can picture bundles of leaves, a game of baseball or foxtail, with a huge family dinner." It sounds reminiscent of Thanksgiving, only in the picture I see children. I realize that to me happiness and contentment mean family. And if there is anyone farther away from this, it is probably me.
I am not saying that I want these things right away. But, and I have said it before, I don't see this as being a reality for me. The choices I make seem to take me farther from this reality. And I don't really know how to re-route myself to put myself in a place to acquire this "image". It is not a simple thing, and from where I sit it doesn't seem very plausible. So, instead, I covet.
Gestalt
I don't think I like Gestalt Therapy/theory. There is something about it that throws me off. I understand the idea of living in the present, but I don't know if I could spend every day in the present. Is there not a point where you have to think about the future? Where would everyone be if they just lived in the moment, without goals and ideas of where they were headed? I just don't see this as being something that I can relate to.
The other idea that I disagree with, to an extent, is the ideas of death. Gestalt therapists supposedly help you "come to terms" with death, so that death does not pose an anxiety. I have a really hard time with this. This is not something that I want to think about. Maybe it happens to be just the place where I am coming from in my life at this point, but I have been there (except not in the positive way that this supposedly is). One of the questions under the Gestalt section of our workbook (as a type of question that a GEstalt therapist would use) was "what would be written on your epitaph?" Really? I don't want to think/write about that. That leads to other ideas, like what your obit says, what people would say about you at your funeral... all the way to what picture would they use? I am not ready to think about that, so obviously I have some anxieties about death that are "abnormal" according to Gestalt.
They also do some crazy kind of role playing in Gestalt therapy that I could never see myself using or doing. It would just be... weird. And I just can't get off the death idea. I am not trying to sounds ominous, but really, I have tried to push those ideas out of my head, since the last time I had them was not a very good time in my life. To think of these ideas brings back other thoughts that I have dealt with, but that still impact me. I think that I really like the idea of counselors going to counseling, and I think this is something I am going to look into.
The other idea that I disagree with, to an extent, is the ideas of death. Gestalt therapists supposedly help you "come to terms" with death, so that death does not pose an anxiety. I have a really hard time with this. This is not something that I want to think about. Maybe it happens to be just the place where I am coming from in my life at this point, but I have been there (except not in the positive way that this supposedly is). One of the questions under the Gestalt section of our workbook (as a type of question that a GEstalt therapist would use) was "what would be written on your epitaph?" Really? I don't want to think/write about that. That leads to other ideas, like what your obit says, what people would say about you at your funeral... all the way to what picture would they use? I am not ready to think about that, so obviously I have some anxieties about death that are "abnormal" according to Gestalt.
They also do some crazy kind of role playing in Gestalt therapy that I could never see myself using or doing. It would just be... weird. And I just can't get off the death idea. I am not trying to sounds ominous, but really, I have tried to push those ideas out of my head, since the last time I had them was not a very good time in my life. To think of these ideas brings back other thoughts that I have dealt with, but that still impact me. I think that I really like the idea of counselors going to counseling, and I think this is something I am going to look into.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Stressin.
Oh dear... there is too much going on at the moment I think. As someone else put it "I am done with Drama". I hate drama. Skating is all about drama right now, and I am so fed up with it. I think that I need to make a call, and rid myself of this farce of a president situation. I feel like we are paying double the fees and getting half of what we need (and Kevin... which is like dealing with... well, you can fill that part in). The work is way more than I feel is appropriate at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the work. If I felt it was worth it. Right now I supposedly have 20 skaters, but only 2 ever respond to questions/requests. They want things, but they have no desire to help out to be able to have them. They seem super enthusiastic about ideas when it comes to be there at meetings, and as soon as we are gone it is a different story. I just don't think that this is a stress I need to shoulder alone, and if no one is really willing to step up and help, then I don't see how I can do it alone. But yet, it doesn't really suck. I am actually kind of excited about it. I still get to skate, if I want I can still compete... I just wouldn't have to deal with Kevin or get on anyone about money matters, etc. Seems kind of win/win... yet I still feel guilty about "letting the team down". I don't know....
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Adler
So, our group picked Alfred Adler's theory/psychotherapy to work with for a group project that is coming up here shortly. A component of this project includes a research paper on the actual theory. As I started my research I had a very basic understanding of Adler's ideas and beliefs (only what was mentioned in the text). I was sort of on the fence as to whether or not it was the kind of theory that I could use. However... as I started to read his theories, or more importantly his background ideas that led him from medicine to psychotherapy, the more impressed and astounded I became. His work in psychotherapy is really based around prevention (well, alright, not all of his work in psychotherapy. Mainly his beliefs about children are around prevention). The other thing I was really impressed with was his views on medicine: he was concerned with social medicine. He was concerned with educating the patients, educating the public, and more importantly, educating them on how to be protected from disease. I was so impressed by this statement: "Not to treat and cure sick children but to protect healthy children from sickness is the logical and noble challenge of the science of medicine". To me, this seems like such forward thinking! I wonder where our medical system would be today if prevention programs were implemented by governments, because I am sure that a lot of money that goes into health care, in terms of medicines/surgeries/etc, could have been saved, had prevention programs been in place. I hope that one day medicine will get there. I know that things are often slow (very slow) to change, but this just seems like a profitable (and a no-brainer) route.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Song therapy tool?
Okay, so as per my note from the other day... a song that describes how I feel right now- I guess not really about my life persay, but right this moment:
Alexithymia- Anberlin
"Are you where you thought'd you'd be...?"
This line really sticks out for me, because I keep thinking about this. I really question a lot whether I have made all of the right choices, even straight from the get-go. I keep focusing my self in one direction, and while I am sort of moving there, is it really where I thought I would be? OR where I want to be?
"It's not that we don't talk/It's just that no one really listens"
This line is just so true. I don't think people listen, because they miss all of the hidden messages that are constantly being sent. We think listening means hearing the words people speak. That is the narrowest definition of listening possible, and because it is what people do the most they don't ever really listen.
"There's more to living than being alive.."
Oh so true. "There is that edge, between success and significance. That subtle edge, between being the best in the world and being the best for the world.".
"Don't believe anything I say..."
I guess this comes back to the fact that I don't always feel (or rarely feel) that people listen. So as a result, I tell them what their ears want to hear. But usually that is never what I am saying.
Alexithymia- Anberlin
"Are you where you thought'd you'd be...?"
This line really sticks out for me, because I keep thinking about this. I really question a lot whether I have made all of the right choices, even straight from the get-go. I keep focusing my self in one direction, and while I am sort of moving there, is it really where I thought I would be? OR where I want to be?
"It's not that we don't talk/It's just that no one really listens"
This line is just so true. I don't think people listen, because they miss all of the hidden messages that are constantly being sent. We think listening means hearing the words people speak. That is the narrowest definition of listening possible, and because it is what people do the most they don't ever really listen.
"There's more to living than being alive.."
Oh so true. "There is that edge, between success and significance. That subtle edge, between being the best in the world and being the best for the world.".
"Don't believe anything I say..."
I guess this comes back to the fact that I don't always feel (or rarely feel) that people listen. So as a result, I tell them what their ears want to hear. But usually that is never what I am saying.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Quotes from "Celebrate What's Right With the World"- With Dewitt Jones
When I was growing up, I used to hold that maxim -- I won’t believe it, until I see it. Yet the more I shot for the Geographic the more I realized that I had it backwards. That the way it really works is -- I won’t see it, till I believe it. That’s the way life works.
But vision controls our perception, and our perception becomes our reality.
Nature was showing me incredible beauty standing just beyond the rat race saying “Hello, Hello…” Always there if I was open enough to see it.
Do we choose to see those possibilities? Do we truly believe that they’re there? Perception controls our reality and if we don’t believe it, we won’t see it.
And I was just about to leave when a little voice inside me said, “Come on, Dewitt, what’s here to celebrate? I know it wasn’t how you planned it, but what’s right with the situation? Where are the possibilities?”
A vision that showed me that no matter how bleak and desolate, no matter how dry and devoid of possibilities the situation might seem,
that if I was open to it... I could always find a perspective. In this case just by dropping down in that crack in the slick rock, and looking back. A perspective that would transform the ordinary …
into the extraordinary.
Because, by celebrating the best -- that allows us to fall in love with it, that connects us with our passion, that emancipates the energy.
By celebrating what’s right, we find the energy to fix what’s wrong.
Because, by celebrating the best -- that allows us to fall in love with it, that connects us with our passion, that emancipates the energy.
By celebrating what’s right, we find the energy to fix what’s wrong.
The power of vision is extraordinary. It transforms the way we look at the world. It can take us from flapping in the middle of the flock to soaring to heights we never dreamed of. But we have to be willing to trust it, to come out to our edge.
And it’s not just the external edges that we have to test; it’s the internal ones as well. If we’re going to really learn to soar, we have to know ourselves as well as we know our craft.
I realized that if I was going to take it higher in my own life, I had to spend time not just with what I do, but with who I am.
That’s a lot harder; at least it was for me. Discovering who I was and being comfortable with it- a lot harder than taking a photograph.
And yet, I knew that was the move from good frame to great frame. That was the edge I’d have to press. That edge in each of our lives between success and significance. That subtle edge between being the best in the world and being the best for the world.
But vision controls our perception, and our perception becomes our reality.
Nature was showing me incredible beauty standing just beyond the rat race saying “Hello, Hello…” Always there if I was open enough to see it.
Do we choose to see those possibilities? Do we truly believe that they’re there? Perception controls our reality and if we don’t believe it, we won’t see it.
And I was just about to leave when a little voice inside me said, “Come on, Dewitt, what’s here to celebrate? I know it wasn’t how you planned it, but what’s right with the situation? Where are the possibilities?”
A vision that showed me that no matter how bleak and desolate, no matter how dry and devoid of possibilities the situation might seem,
that if I was open to it... I could always find a perspective. In this case just by dropping down in that crack in the slick rock, and looking back. A perspective that would transform the ordinary …
into the extraordinary.
Because, by celebrating the best -- that allows us to fall in love with it, that connects us with our passion, that emancipates the energy.
By celebrating what’s right, we find the energy to fix what’s wrong.
Because, by celebrating the best -- that allows us to fall in love with it, that connects us with our passion, that emancipates the energy.
By celebrating what’s right, we find the energy to fix what’s wrong.
The power of vision is extraordinary. It transforms the way we look at the world. It can take us from flapping in the middle of the flock to soaring to heights we never dreamed of. But we have to be willing to trust it, to come out to our edge.
And it’s not just the external edges that we have to test; it’s the internal ones as well. If we’re going to really learn to soar, we have to know ourselves as well as we know our craft.
I realized that if I was going to take it higher in my own life, I had to spend time not just with what I do, but with who I am.
That’s a lot harder; at least it was for me. Discovering who I was and being comfortable with it- a lot harder than taking a photograph.
And yet, I knew that was the move from good frame to great frame. That was the edge I’d have to press. That edge in each of our lives between success and significance. That subtle edge between being the best in the world and being the best for the world.
An experiment
I was reading about existential therapy the other day, and combining that with Adlerian, basically you can use a variety of techniques to help people realize their goals in life, whether those goals are known at the moment or not. So I was thinking of ways in which you might be able to have people connect with those wants and desires, if it is not apparent to them. So here is my idea, let me know if it makes sense to you. (Try it out too if you want, it might have been done already, whatever...)
It has no name at the moment. I shall have to google it, because chances are this is plagiarism.
Take your current play list. Choose one song that believe speaks to your life as you see it at the moment. Describe the connections you see/feel in this song. Identify any feelings of contentment, joy, distress, hurt, etc. that this song makes you feel.
Next, from your play list choose another song. This time choose a song that stimulates emotions/actions you would like to feel. Identify these for yourself. Try to find a song that speaks to you, but one which you have no personal stories to infer when listening to the song. Analyze what it is you think this song means to you- why did you choose this song to represent a "want"? What does that indicate to you? Once you have analyzed why you picked the song, then you can begin looking at the component you think you are missing, or have not yet realized and you can begin setting goals to reach this place.
This might not make much sense. It makes sense in my head. I think it would make more sense if someone was guiding you through questions, which is kind of my intent. I think this would be kind of good for adolescents. That way they can talk about emotions through a different venue (music) as opposed to having to be exposed themselves. They can use someone elses words to help them find their own. Ideas?
It has no name at the moment. I shall have to google it, because chances are this is plagiarism.
Take your current play list. Choose one song that believe speaks to your life as you see it at the moment. Describe the connections you see/feel in this song. Identify any feelings of contentment, joy, distress, hurt, etc. that this song makes you feel.
Next, from your play list choose another song. This time choose a song that stimulates emotions/actions you would like to feel. Identify these for yourself. Try to find a song that speaks to you, but one which you have no personal stories to infer when listening to the song. Analyze what it is you think this song means to you- why did you choose this song to represent a "want"? What does that indicate to you? Once you have analyzed why you picked the song, then you can begin looking at the component you think you are missing, or have not yet realized and you can begin setting goals to reach this place.
This might not make much sense. It makes sense in my head. I think it would make more sense if someone was guiding you through questions, which is kind of my intent. I think this would be kind of good for adolescents. That way they can talk about emotions through a different venue (music) as opposed to having to be exposed themselves. They can use someone elses words to help them find their own. Ideas?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Regional Council
This weekend at Regional Council I had an amazing time! Wow, it is so inspiring when people with a common goal come together and share stories/experience/goals. I guess I should mention what regional council is- it is where a variety of delegates from the Northern Region of the Canadian Cancer Society BC/Y division come to PG and we talk about successes of the last year, and the new ideas coming for the following year. I was really fortunate to meet (for the second time) Dr. Carolyn Gotay, who is the director of the Prevention and Wellness program at UBC. I basically love her job, and think she probably has the greatest job ever. She gave the keynote address yesterday, and now I have even more ideas on some really fantastic masters projects/research (just what I needed, more choices to debate!).
It was such an incredible weekend, listening to how these people in the room have inspired their communities and made such a difference. We had a little girl in PG be a team captain at relay for life, and she single handedly raised over 3,000 dollars last year for the relay. She is 10 years old!!! It was also really cool, because our Prince George unit (specifically the Prevention Team, Emergency Aid and Support Services) were recognized for our leadership. That was really awesome for us, and set us up for this year. Our prevention team had generally worked under the direct supervision of the staff member for the region, since the staff members and their office is located in Prince George. However, this year we will be completely on our own! (Kind of like all of the other units- however our team takes on a lot more projects and challenges than other units). So this year we are all alone in our endeavors- our Fearless Leader is off on maternity leave! We are very much going to miss her... but it is kind of exciting to be in such a worthwhile leadership role. Our team has been broken down into "sub-areas", with each major task being headed up by a different team leader. And yours truly just gets to over see all of these leaders and be their go-to person. I guess I would be the "top" team leader. Essentially I have what seems to be a big job, but I don't think it will be too strenuous, as this group of people are all very capable and dedicated.
No idea where this blog was going, because it isn't what I started out blogging about... need a new blog for that one. But I guess I just wanted to get down my feelings of excitement, nervousness and joy from the following weekend. Wish us luck for the future year! Let's hope we can make Megan proud when she gets back haha!
It was such an incredible weekend, listening to how these people in the room have inspired their communities and made such a difference. We had a little girl in PG be a team captain at relay for life, and she single handedly raised over 3,000 dollars last year for the relay. She is 10 years old!!! It was also really cool, because our Prince George unit (specifically the Prevention Team, Emergency Aid and Support Services) were recognized for our leadership. That was really awesome for us, and set us up for this year. Our prevention team had generally worked under the direct supervision of the staff member for the region, since the staff members and their office is located in Prince George. However, this year we will be completely on our own! (Kind of like all of the other units- however our team takes on a lot more projects and challenges than other units). So this year we are all alone in our endeavors- our Fearless Leader is off on maternity leave! We are very much going to miss her... but it is kind of exciting to be in such a worthwhile leadership role. Our team has been broken down into "sub-areas", with each major task being headed up by a different team leader. And yours truly just gets to over see all of these leaders and be their go-to person. I guess I would be the "top" team leader. Essentially I have what seems to be a big job, but I don't think it will be too strenuous, as this group of people are all very capable and dedicated.
No idea where this blog was going, because it isn't what I started out blogging about... need a new blog for that one. But I guess I just wanted to get down my feelings of excitement, nervousness and joy from the following weekend. Wish us luck for the future year! Let's hope we can make Megan proud when she gets back haha!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
EI: Emotional Intelligence
Alrighty, so my emotional intelligence is average. This I can understand completely. I need to be more open with myself, in terms of how much I let others see. I am a fairly closed person, and I don't think that I am always in-tune with my feelings. I need to be able to open myself up to others more, and let myself appreciate social interactions more than I do. I tend to keep my circle of people who are privy to personal information fairly small. According to the test I just took I need to be able to be vulnerable enough to establish those ties with other people. I would hate to think that I isolate people because I am unable to reciprocate when it comes to the sharing of emotions, but I know that I do this.
While I am often able to to identify for myself how I feel in situations and deal with my emotions privately, it is still different then understanding emotions on a deeper level. My problem areas would have to be in developing that emotional connection with other people. Any suggestions as to how to work on this?
While I am often able to to identify for myself how I feel in situations and deal with my emotions privately, it is still different then understanding emotions on a deeper level. My problem areas would have to be in developing that emotional connection with other people. Any suggestions as to how to work on this?
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Communication and Listening
It is strange.. those things you do without thinking about them. I think my text book has some very valid points. We think that we are good listeners and good communicators because we have been doing them for a very long time. In essence this should be the case. But then I look at all of the roadblocks in communication, all of the pseudocommunication we all use, and I realize that being a good communicator is more than what it seems. I think of all of the times I have done this to someone, and I wonder what kind of an impact it has had on them. Probably not a good one. I think of all of the times it has been done to me, and then I know that the impact is not good. This is in no way laying any blame, I just needed to clarify for myself that communication is not easy. I am slowly having my eyes opened to what it takes to be an effective communicator, and I know that I have my work cut out. Have you ever really (conciously) tried to paraphrase what people are saying so that they know you know? It is hard! It is hard to do it and not sound stupid. It is also so easy to fall into patterns that we always fall into. My goals for communication: 1) be a better active listener- tune out distractions and focus on what is being said and the real message 2) practice my paraphrasing skills- this can be done either through talking with people or paraphrasing readings 3) acknowledge when I put up roadblocks- interrupting, judging, pseudolistening, directing, and moralizing (for starters).
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Chapter 2
How often do we need others to validate our sense of self? How often do we need to receive praise and compliments before we believe them? Is it wrong to need this? Is it possible to help people create stronger senses of selves by giving them this validation? Or does this (will this?) validation lead to a sense of inflated ego, and an untrue picture of who that person really is? What sorts of keys and factors will allow someone to look at their life in an unbiased manner and see themselves for what they really are, whether that is their perceived notion of themselves or not?
How do you help build someone up without telling them something that is untrue and will possibly hurt them later? How do I help them find solutions to their life problems when I can't even begin to image what those problems might be like to have? This thinking like a counselor stuff is hard work, and I have only just reached chapter two.
How do you help build someone up without telling them something that is untrue and will possibly hurt them later? How do I help them find solutions to their life problems when I can't even begin to image what those problems might be like to have? This thinking like a counselor stuff is hard work, and I have only just reached chapter two.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Counseling
What the H#!! am I doing?? Counseling? What sorts of skills do I have that will enable me to be a good counselor? Why can I not stick to things I am good at? I find it strangely ironic that I am not at all nervous for the stats class but the communication class last night scared the bejesus out of me. I don't knowif I have any good communication skills. What does that entail? What does it look like? The perfectionist in me has a really hard time with this because I like to be the best at what I do, not just good. But in this case I feel like I am starting out way behind the eight ball. I really shouldn't feel this way, because I don't think you can fail a masters class. But I still want to do really well. Okay, next blog up an analysis of what skills I think have, and where I need to focus my attention.
Friday, April 10, 2009
A Masters Adventure
Well, one adventure ends and another is to begin. I would have thought I would be burnt out by now, but the excitement is still there. I am so stoked for this new one, it is crazy! I really have no idea what to expect, which is part of hte excitement. However, I know it will be whatever I make of it. Hopefully I can handle the "big times" so to speak. What the future holds... well, one only knows.
Monday, January 19, 2009
The right choices
i wonder whether or not I have made the right choices along the way. When I think of all the things that I wanted to do, I realize that I am no where near them. In high school I had no clue what I wanted to do. I at one point wanted to be the Prime Minister. I think mostly because I want to help people. The united Nations is something I am really interested in. I always wanted to be a doctor. And here I am in an Education program. This summer I realized that I have special interest in nutrition and physiology, and think that I would have really loved being a personal trainer or a Nutritionist. And yet... I still want med school. Perhaps I could teach community health education and prevention. Put myself out of a doctor job. Who knows. To top it all off, I love to teach. Seriously. I love the challenge of being in the classroom, I love the humour and attitude of the kids that are there, I love being able to peak their interest, even if it is in the tiniest little thing. To see a spark, or even better to have someone come up and ask you after for more info is awesome.
Yet, I seem to have led myself down this really lonely path, and I am not sure how I got here. For all of my big talk in high school about how love doesn't exist, it is merely a chemical, and I didn't believe in it, I never actually planned to end up alone. I would make a fantastic mom. And I know that now a days you don't ahve to be married to have kids, call me old fashioned. I want to be a mom. Everyone around me seems to be either in a steady relationship, engaged or married. And then..... the anomaly (that would be me). I like being an enigma... not so much the really odd man out. I know, I have heard it all before. "You just have to put yourself out there." But it is so much harder than that. It's not that I don't like myself, of believe in myself. I do. To an extent. I know that I have a lot of really good qualities, and if I had to rate myself as a human being I would say I do okay. But for some reason taht doesn't really seem like ennough. I don't know how to explain it. Perhaps it is the not knowing where my life is really going at this point that makes it hard. Maybe its rejection. Or a combination of both. I just can't seem to be completely happy though or whole. I know, I should be enough. And sometimes I can fool myself into thinking that I am enough. And other times it becomes impossibly clear that I am not. *sigh*
Yet, I seem to have led myself down this really lonely path, and I am not sure how I got here. For all of my big talk in high school about how love doesn't exist, it is merely a chemical, and I didn't believe in it, I never actually planned to end up alone. I would make a fantastic mom. And I know that now a days you don't ahve to be married to have kids, call me old fashioned. I want to be a mom. Everyone around me seems to be either in a steady relationship, engaged or married. And then..... the anomaly (that would be me). I like being an enigma... not so much the really odd man out. I know, I have heard it all before. "You just have to put yourself out there." But it is so much harder than that. It's not that I don't like myself, of believe in myself. I do. To an extent. I know that I have a lot of really good qualities, and if I had to rate myself as a human being I would say I do okay. But for some reason taht doesn't really seem like ennough. I don't know how to explain it. Perhaps it is the not knowing where my life is really going at this point that makes it hard. Maybe its rejection. Or a combination of both. I just can't seem to be completely happy though or whole. I know, I should be enough. And sometimes I can fool myself into thinking that I am enough. And other times it becomes impossibly clear that I am not. *sigh*
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