Semester #2 - OMG (plus Medicating Rant)

Jesus. Okay, probably shouldn't swear, but not sure how else to express all of these emotions. 4 classes would sound not so bad... I mean, there were 5 classes a semester throughout all of undergrad. But here apparently 4 course is like chaos! I am so overwhelmed at this point, and it is only week 1. I am not sure how I am going to get through all of this. And I am serious.

Okay, maybe not super serious, and perhaps this is all brought on by the fact that as I sit here and I write I am pissed off. I was really excited for abnormal, thinking maybe it might take me back to my bio roots. Wrong. I think it makes it especially hard because there are people in the class who disregard the medical model, but the way they talk sounds awfully naive to me. I had to sit in class tonight and listen to a girl (who I consider an almost-friend) bash doctors (which actually had no relation to what we were talking about at all) for almost 15 minutes. This all based on an experience she personally had. The funny part is that I had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE (same drug, everything) and an opposite experience. So this impassioned speech dissing both doctors and medicine for psychopathological diseases was completely biased, but when you tried to interject all you got was resentment and hostility. UGH. I understand that the medical profession has a lot of pitfalls and a lot of negative connotations associated with it. So does counseling people! One is not better than the other, and it all boils down to education. Education in my opinion for the patient. Ultimately, it is there choice. However, when someone (say a counselor) is so biased and prejudiced that they can't objectively help educate a "patient" on their options, isn't that just as unethical as what doctors sometimes do when they prescribe without educating?

Maybe I am prejudiced and don't believe that all problems can be solved by "talking". If you understand the human body, and the complexities associated with hormones and the functioning of the organs and systems based on the triggers associated with those hormones, I don't think that there is any possible way you could NOT be a proponent for medicating in certain instances. Agreed, it is over used and over done in a lot of cases, and given out when it is not needed. Be conservative, okay. I can understand that. But unless you understand the biochemistry and the work that goes into researching those medications, do not tell me that they are "not tested properly", etc etc. Bullshit. Yes there are dangers. Yes, your doctor should inform you of risks. He didn't? That sucks. But you cannot base your judgment of "medicating" based on your one single experience.

Okay, I feel a little better now. Still overwhelmed with all of this homework. Perhaps in my next blog I will list all of my assignments, give an understanding of the hell I am in for. Ugh.

New Year- 2010

Well, to start off with I should point out that the year 2010 promises to be alright, based on my numeric OCD and strange patterns. 20 and 10 are both multiples of 5 (my favorite number), and 20 is 10 doubled (multiples of 2 are also good numbers and- 1 goes into 2 twice, 10 goes into 20 twice, if you divide 10 by 5 it gives you two, divide 20 by 5 gives you 4, 4 divided by 2 is 2.... see what I am getting at?). 2009 following the same logic above does not indicate any type of mathematical pattern. Not that it wasn't an alright year though. I was going to attempt to list some of the highs and lows like Laurel did (which I probably will), but I doubt my list will be as long. Hmmm, let's see...
2009:
1. Got my judging certification
2. Got 2nd in a competition for skating (against real competition, haha).
3. Went to Child Hood Best Friends Wedding
4. Went to Cuba
5. Went to cousin's wedding
6. Graduated from Bachelor of Education
7. Grandad passed away
8. Started Masters Program
9. Got an interview to medical school, but can't go. Ugh.

Yeah, that basically sums up 2009. Not too eventful. Goals and plans for 2010? I have learned to knit, so now to put that skill to some use. I am also planning on getting my next promotion for judging, and I also want to take some more fitness classes. Just trying to get through the year... we'll see where it takes me I guess.

Dreams= crash and burn?

I am so mad!!!!! I went from elated, to pissed, to even more pissed. I swear, if this next email comes back how I think it will, I may be flying to Vancouver to have an argument with someone. I can't even find a phone number to call to talk to an actual person! Backing up, here is the story.

So, I finally got an acceptance for an interview to medical school!!! Yippee!!! Except... I did acknowledge in my application that I am currently a grad student. Which is true. Apparently, in this case, in terms of acceptance and the interview, you have to fill out a grad progress report. This report gives you three options to choose from: a) My program (thesis, defence, exam, whatever, will be completed by June 30th, 2010) b) I am already completed my masters, I will send a transcript and c) I will not be done by June 30, 2010 and wish to WITHDRAW MY APPLICATION. WTF???? I won't be done, but there is no way I want to withdraw!!!!! Frick, how about I withdraw from the masters? What was supposed to be a good idea and a back up is quickly turning into my biggest nightmare.

All I want to do is cry, because I don't see a way around this. If I don't submit that section, I get my interview rescinded. The only section I am able to complete is the one that says "withdraw application". But I don't understand.... it's not as if I couldn't quit the program. Medicine is my dream, this was a strange backup. How logical is it that my "smart move" is turning into the obstacle now standing in my way? Was I supposed to not go back to school and pin my hopes on this illusive dream? And even if I drop the masters, what if I don't get into medical school? Again, pinning hopes. Why is this process so retarded?

"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's... "

Well, I don't covet things. I have realized I covet "feelings". I covet experiences. How sad is that? Perhaps this comes from a sensation of loneliness, what with this feeling of isolation I feel in this program to an extend (I know, isolation in a counseling program who would have thunk it?). What do I mean by isolation? Well, I figured this program would be a little more exclusive than the Education program, and it is. But let me explain. Many of the people are part time, others have children/families/jobs. There are only about 4 of us who do not have either of these. And I am not sure that they are people I can form lasting friendships with. My close friends from the Education program are no longer in PG. And due to night classes I don't see my skaters as much either. So, I guess that leaves me sitting, thinking about others experiences, in terms of having someone to share just everyday things with. Just those thoughts that go through your head, good and bad. Anecdotal stories about this and that. Someone to give you a hug when you are upset or mad. Someone to laugh with. Someone to plan with.
I am jealous of those people who are teaching classes, because I want to be there. I am jealous of those people who can make plans for their future, secure in the knowledge that they have someone who will be there with them when they make them. I am jealous of the support they probably receive, and having someone to reassure you.

A friend today, and we were discussing happiness.To me, happiness is really not a simple thing. But I know it;s not about money, or prestige, or degrees. It's about contentment, joy, fulfillment, challenge, courage, love and laughter. How does one get here? Well, apparently I really have no idea. If I had to picture a scene where I was perfectly happy, it would probably be: "a fall Sunday afternoon, surrounded by family. I can picture bundles of leaves, a game of baseball or foxtail, with a huge family dinner." It sounds reminiscent of Thanksgiving, only in the picture I see children. I realize that to me happiness and contentment mean family. And if there is anyone farther away from this, it is probably me.

I am not saying that I want these things right away. But, and I have said it before, I don't see this as being a reality for me. The choices I make seem to take me farther from this reality. And I don't really know how to re-route myself to put myself in a place to acquire this "image". It is not a simple thing, and from where I sit it doesn't seem very plausible. So, instead, I covet.

Gestalt

I don't think I like Gestalt Therapy/theory. There is something about it that throws me off. I understand the idea of living in the present, but I don't know if I could spend every day in the present. Is there not a point where you have to think about the future? Where would everyone be if they just lived in the moment, without goals and ideas of where they were headed? I just don't see this as being something that I can relate to.

The other idea that I disagree with, to an extent, is the ideas of death. Gestalt therapists supposedly help you "come to terms" with death, so that death does not pose an anxiety. I have a really hard time with this. This is not something that I want to think about. Maybe it happens to be just the place where I am coming from in my life at this point, but I have been there (except not in the positive way that this supposedly is). One of the questions under the Gestalt section of our workbook (as a type of question that a GEstalt therapist would use) was "what would be written on your epitaph?" Really? I don't want to think/write about that. That leads to other ideas, like what your obit says, what people would say about you at your funeral... all the way to what picture would they use? I am not ready to think about that, so obviously I have some anxieties about death that are "abnormal" according to Gestalt.

They also do some crazy kind of role playing in Gestalt therapy that I could never see myself using or doing. It would just be... weird. And I just can't get off the death idea. I am not trying to sounds ominous, but really, I have tried to push those ideas out of my head, since the last time I had them was not a very good time in my life. To think of these ideas brings back other thoughts that I have dealt with, but that still impact me. I think that I really like the idea of counselors going to counseling, and I think this is something I am going to look into.

Stressin.

Oh dear... there is too much going on at the moment I think. As someone else put it "I am done with Drama". I hate drama. Skating is all about drama right now, and I am so fed up with it. I think that I need to make a call, and rid myself of this farce of a president situation. I feel like we are paying double the fees and getting half of what we need (and Kevin... which is like dealing with... well, you can fill that part in). The work is way more than I feel is appropriate at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the work. If I felt it was worth it. Right now I supposedly have 20 skaters, but only 2 ever respond to questions/requests. They want things, but they have no desire to help out to be able to have them. They seem super enthusiastic about ideas when it comes to be there at meetings, and as soon as we are gone it is a different story. I just don't think that this is a stress I need to shoulder alone, and if no one is really willing to step up and help, then I don't see how I can do it alone. But yet, it doesn't really suck. I am actually kind of excited about it. I still get to skate, if I want I can still compete... I just wouldn't have to deal with Kevin or get on anyone about money matters, etc. Seems kind of win/win... yet I still feel guilty about "letting the team down". I don't know....

Adler

So, our group picked Alfred Adler's theory/psychotherapy to work with for a group project that is coming up here shortly. A component of this project includes a research paper on the actual theory. As I started my research I had a very basic understanding of Adler's ideas and beliefs (only what was mentioned in the text). I was sort of on the fence as to whether or not it was the kind of theory that I could use. However... as I started to read his theories, or more importantly his background ideas that led him from medicine to psychotherapy, the more impressed and astounded I became. His work in psychotherapy is really based around prevention (well, alright, not all of his work in psychotherapy. Mainly his beliefs about children are around prevention). The other thing I was really impressed with was his views on medicine: he was concerned with social medicine. He was concerned with educating the patients, educating the public, and more importantly, educating them on how to be protected from disease. I was so impressed by this statement: "Not to treat and cure sick children but to protect healthy children from sickness is the logical and noble challenge of the science of medicine". To me, this seems like such forward thinking! I wonder where our medical system would be today if prevention programs were implemented by governments, because I am sure that a lot of money that goes into health care, in terms of medicines/surgeries/etc, could have been saved, had prevention programs been in place. I hope that one day medicine will get there. I know that things are often slow (very slow) to change, but this just seems like a profitable (and a no-brainer) route.