Re-Invention

Okay, I have no idea where this came from, but I have this overwhelming desire to go shopping and "re-invent" my look. As in... I want to go shoe shopping? And dress shopping? Whoa. Well, okay, I still want to go out and buy more workout clothes, but I also want to buy dressy clothes. For what occasion, and where I would wear them, ummmm not sure. But I feel like I want a pair of real high heels (not my fake kitten heals, lol). And a pencil skirt. *Sigh*.

"Ahhhhhh" (in a sing-song type way)

So, I have been watching myself on video the last few weeks, with my counseling videos... and *shock/awe/surprise* I see myself as THIN(er)! WTF? I can't even be critical, because I have to sometimes do a double take. Say what? Since when did that happen? Kind of nice... in a shocking kind of way.

have a little faith- Mitch Albom

"And then what happens? When life comes to an end?"
I shrugged.
"You see?"
He leaned back. He smiled.
"When you come to the end, that's where God begins."

Happiness is a tablet. This is our world. Prozac. Paxil. Xanax.... You don't need a specific trauma: just "general depression" or "anxiety", as if sadness were as treatable as the common cold.... much of what we call "depression" was really dissatisfaction.

"Getting old we can deal with. Being old is the problem."

What do people fear most about death? I asked the Reb.
"Fear?" He thought for a moment. "Well, for one thing, what happens next? Where do we go? Is it what we imagined?"
That's big.
"Yes, but there's something else."
What else?
He leaned forward.
"Being forgotten," he whispered.

He also, on occasion, told the joke about a man who complains to his doctor that his wife, when angry, gets historical.
"You mean hysterical," the doctor says.
"No, historical," the man says. "She lists the history of every wrong thing I've ever done."

"But real commitment? That requires staying power- in faith and marriage."
And if you don't commit? I asked.
"Your choice. But you miss what is on the other side."
What's on the other side?
"Ah," he smiled. "A happiness you cannot find alone."

"Even in our own faith, we have questions and answers, interpretations, debates. In Christianity, in Catholicism, in other faiths, the same thing- debates, interpretations. That is the beauty. It is like being a musician. If you found the note, and you kept hitting the note all the time, you would go nuts. It's the blending of the different notes that makes the music."
The music of what?
"Of believing in something bigger than yourself."

And I should be ashamed thinking I knew everything, because you can know the whole world and still feel lost in it. So many people are in pain- no matter how smart or accomplished- they cry, they yearn, they hurt. But instead of looking down on things, they look up, which is where I should have been looking too. Because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breating, we all want the same things: comfort, love, and a peaceful heart.

If one day....

One Girl Revolution- Saving Jane

"One Girl Revolution"

Raise your hand if you don't care
What those platinum girls wear
Raise your hand if you're just here
To have a good time

Raise your hand if your lipstick
Doesn't make you a dumb chick
Raise your hand if the shape of your hips
Don't compare to the shape of your mind
You don't even stand a chance
I'm not taking off my pants

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not a barbie doll, shopping mall, silicone substitution
I thought I told ya
I'm a soldier
And I'm not leaving til the battle's over
One girl revolution

Raise your hand if you're smart, girls
More than pushups and pearls
Let 'em stare at our pictures, baby
While we take over the world
Raise your hand if you're not another carbon copy wannabe like everybody else
Raise your hand if you've got something more to say

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not a perfect ten, paper thin, Hollywood illusion
I thought I told ya
I'm a soldier
And I'm not leaving til the party's over
One girl revolution

What are we selling, our brains or our belly buttons?
What are you buying, don't you know that they're lying?
What are you cryin' about, don't just sit there and wait while they're selling us out!

You don't even stand a chance
I'm not taking off my pants

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not the girl next door anymore
Baby I'm an institution
I thought I told ya
Don't wanna know ya
Pack your bags, baby, cuz this army's taking over
I'm here to start a one girl revolution

I'm the kind of chick that leaves you cryin for your mother
Keep on looking if you're looking for a cookie cutter

Group Therapy

Okay, so while I don't really enjoy going to group therapy (I find it interesting, but I am not one to share a lot of personal stuff, so even personal growth in a group is very difficult), I can see some benefits. I had said at one point that my personal goal was going to be "confidence". Let me explain.

I think on the surface I come across as confident. However, inside I often feel very differently. I am actually just a very good actor. I second guess most things, worry about what people are thinking, and constantly doubt my ability to do something. So I have been working on my self talk (like the good CBTist that I am). And there are actually a couple of places where I can see this beginning to take effect.

The last two weeks I have been conscious of my talk, and when it starts to occur I look for exceptions and repeat the exceptions. So, when I have been doing my counseling tapes I actually have felt in control, and I have felt like I know what I am doing, and apparently it has come across to both my prof and my clients. The other area I see it working in is my skating. The last two weeks I have had consistently good skates every time out. Generally Wednesday's would be the "bad day". For no other reason except that it was Wednesday. And yet, as soon as I was able to do an axel (the jump I have refused to do for the last year and a half, for no other reason than it scares the s$%# out of me), things have changed. I showed up to the rink one friday and decided I was going to do an axel. I did... and the rest as they say is history. I will now do an axel every session, and I think the fact that I have conquered that stupid "fear" has really made a difference to the rest of my jumps to, because I have the confidence back in them.

Now if I could only be as confident about my personal life, I would be set.

One Day You Will- Lady Antebellum

"One Day You Will"

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

[Repeat Chorus]

One day you will
Oh one day you will