The right choices

i wonder whether or not I have made the right choices along the way. When I think of all the things that I wanted to do, I realize that I am no where near them. In high school I had no clue what I wanted to do. I at one point wanted to be the Prime Minister. I think mostly because I want to help people. The united Nations is something I am really interested in. I always wanted to be a doctor. And here I am in an Education program. This summer I realized that I have special interest in nutrition and physiology, and think that I would have really loved being a personal trainer or a Nutritionist. And yet... I still want med school. Perhaps I could teach community health education and prevention. Put myself out of a doctor job. Who knows. To top it all off, I love to teach. Seriously. I love the challenge of being in the classroom, I love the humour and attitude of the kids that are there, I love being able to peak their interest, even if it is in the tiniest little thing. To see a spark, or even better to have someone come up and ask you after for more info is awesome.

Yet, I seem to have led myself down this really lonely path, and I am not sure how I got here. For all of my big talk in high school about how love doesn't exist, it is merely a chemical, and I didn't believe in it, I never actually planned to end up alone. I would make a fantastic mom. And I know that now a days you don't ahve to be married to have kids, call me old fashioned. I want to be a mom. Everyone around me seems to be either in a steady relationship, engaged or married. And then..... the anomaly (that would be me). I like being an enigma... not so much the really odd man out. I know, I have heard it all before. "You just have to put yourself out there." But it is so much harder than that. It's not that I don't like myself, of believe in myself. I do. To an extent. I know that I have a lot of really good qualities, and if I had to rate myself as a human being I would say I do okay. But for some reason taht doesn't really seem like ennough. I don't know how to explain it. Perhaps it is the not knowing where my life is really going at this point that makes it hard. Maybe its rejection. Or a combination of both. I just can't seem to be completely happy though or whole. I know, I should be enough. And sometimes I can fool myself into thinking that I am enough. And other times it becomes impossibly clear that I am not. *sigh*