"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's... "

Well, I don't covet things. I have realized I covet "feelings". I covet experiences. How sad is that? Perhaps this comes from a sensation of loneliness, what with this feeling of isolation I feel in this program to an extend (I know, isolation in a counseling program who would have thunk it?). What do I mean by isolation? Well, I figured this program would be a little more exclusive than the Education program, and it is. But let me explain. Many of the people are part time, others have children/families/jobs. There are only about 4 of us who do not have either of these. And I am not sure that they are people I can form lasting friendships with. My close friends from the Education program are no longer in PG. And due to night classes I don't see my skaters as much either. So, I guess that leaves me sitting, thinking about others experiences, in terms of having someone to share just everyday things with. Just those thoughts that go through your head, good and bad. Anecdotal stories about this and that. Someone to give you a hug when you are upset or mad. Someone to laugh with. Someone to plan with.
I am jealous of those people who are teaching classes, because I want to be there. I am jealous of those people who can make plans for their future, secure in the knowledge that they have someone who will be there with them when they make them. I am jealous of the support they probably receive, and having someone to reassure you.

A friend today, and we were discussing happiness.To me, happiness is really not a simple thing. But I know it;s not about money, or prestige, or degrees. It's about contentment, joy, fulfillment, challenge, courage, love and laughter. How does one get here? Well, apparently I really have no idea. If I had to picture a scene where I was perfectly happy, it would probably be: "a fall Sunday afternoon, surrounded by family. I can picture bundles of leaves, a game of baseball or foxtail, with a huge family dinner." It sounds reminiscent of Thanksgiving, only in the picture I see children. I realize that to me happiness and contentment mean family. And if there is anyone farther away from this, it is probably me.

I am not saying that I want these things right away. But, and I have said it before, I don't see this as being a reality for me. The choices I make seem to take me farther from this reality. And I don't really know how to re-route myself to put myself in a place to acquire this "image". It is not a simple thing, and from where I sit it doesn't seem very plausible. So, instead, I covet.

Gestalt

I don't think I like Gestalt Therapy/theory. There is something about it that throws me off. I understand the idea of living in the present, but I don't know if I could spend every day in the present. Is there not a point where you have to think about the future? Where would everyone be if they just lived in the moment, without goals and ideas of where they were headed? I just don't see this as being something that I can relate to.

The other idea that I disagree with, to an extent, is the ideas of death. Gestalt therapists supposedly help you "come to terms" with death, so that death does not pose an anxiety. I have a really hard time with this. This is not something that I want to think about. Maybe it happens to be just the place where I am coming from in my life at this point, but I have been there (except not in the positive way that this supposedly is). One of the questions under the Gestalt section of our workbook (as a type of question that a GEstalt therapist would use) was "what would be written on your epitaph?" Really? I don't want to think/write about that. That leads to other ideas, like what your obit says, what people would say about you at your funeral... all the way to what picture would they use? I am not ready to think about that, so obviously I have some anxieties about death that are "abnormal" according to Gestalt.

They also do some crazy kind of role playing in Gestalt therapy that I could never see myself using or doing. It would just be... weird. And I just can't get off the death idea. I am not trying to sounds ominous, but really, I have tried to push those ideas out of my head, since the last time I had them was not a very good time in my life. To think of these ideas brings back other thoughts that I have dealt with, but that still impact me. I think that I really like the idea of counselors going to counseling, and I think this is something I am going to look into.

Stressin.

Oh dear... there is too much going on at the moment I think. As someone else put it "I am done with Drama". I hate drama. Skating is all about drama right now, and I am so fed up with it. I think that I need to make a call, and rid myself of this farce of a president situation. I feel like we are paying double the fees and getting half of what we need (and Kevin... which is like dealing with... well, you can fill that part in). The work is way more than I feel is appropriate at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the work. If I felt it was worth it. Right now I supposedly have 20 skaters, but only 2 ever respond to questions/requests. They want things, but they have no desire to help out to be able to have them. They seem super enthusiastic about ideas when it comes to be there at meetings, and as soon as we are gone it is a different story. I just don't think that this is a stress I need to shoulder alone, and if no one is really willing to step up and help, then I don't see how I can do it alone. But yet, it doesn't really suck. I am actually kind of excited about it. I still get to skate, if I want I can still compete... I just wouldn't have to deal with Kevin or get on anyone about money matters, etc. Seems kind of win/win... yet I still feel guilty about "letting the team down". I don't know....

Adler

So, our group picked Alfred Adler's theory/psychotherapy to work with for a group project that is coming up here shortly. A component of this project includes a research paper on the actual theory. As I started my research I had a very basic understanding of Adler's ideas and beliefs (only what was mentioned in the text). I was sort of on the fence as to whether or not it was the kind of theory that I could use. However... as I started to read his theories, or more importantly his background ideas that led him from medicine to psychotherapy, the more impressed and astounded I became. His work in psychotherapy is really based around prevention (well, alright, not all of his work in psychotherapy. Mainly his beliefs about children are around prevention). The other thing I was really impressed with was his views on medicine: he was concerned with social medicine. He was concerned with educating the patients, educating the public, and more importantly, educating them on how to be protected from disease. I was so impressed by this statement: "Not to treat and cure sick children but to protect healthy children from sickness is the logical and noble challenge of the science of medicine". To me, this seems like such forward thinking! I wonder where our medical system would be today if prevention programs were implemented by governments, because I am sure that a lot of money that goes into health care, in terms of medicines/surgeries/etc, could have been saved, had prevention programs been in place. I hope that one day medicine will get there. I know that things are often slow (very slow) to change, but this just seems like a profitable (and a no-brainer) route.